Homebase Magazine Issue #48
Summer, 1997
Homebase Magazine
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Dear Homebase -
an expanded edition of letters from our readers
Greetings from the Great Canadian Construction Zone (a.k.a. my house)
Once again my relatively tidy (not clean, just tidy) house has become a dust and dirt-filled pit. Every five years or so we decide that we need more space - never less stuff, always more space! This year we've decided to renovate our basement. That meant we had to blow up the old concrete floor (actually Ken smashed it up with a sledge hammer and reported that it was rather therapeutic). Next Ken and assorted helpers dug 21 inches below the old foundation to add headroom. This is very necessary for tall husbands and nieces.
One of the bonuses of creating this "apartment" for our 18 year old niece, Rowan, is that our son, Rhys, nearly five, will now have a room of his own. As soon as Rowan left for summer vacation, Rhys moved into her room with his teddies and pillows in tow. When I commented to my friend Esther White that it has been a long time since Ken and I have had a room to ourselves, she deadpanned, "Yes, nine years - if they weren't in your room, they were in your womb!" Ain't it the truth!
And so it goes. Rhys tells me he is not a "little boy" anymore, and not yet a "big boy," but he's still "my boy" and so he wants me to still sing him to sleep each night and we still get to cuddle. Whew! I don't know how much change I can take all at once. Rae (who's nine) has really started to spread her wings and wants to try lots of new things. She's been taking a pottery course which covers hand building and throwing pots on the wheel - more mess but she's having a ball. She and a friend have also decided they're old enough to walk down to Bank St. (a very busy street in Ottawa) to a favourite toy shop. I think I held my breath the entire hour they were gone. However, I did resist the urge to hop in the car and follow them at an inconspicuous distance. Ah, independence and to think I bitched about dirty diapers and toilet training.
With the publication of the Summer edition of Homebase complete, we're already looking towards the Fall issue. As always we're on the lookout for new contributors. As you'll see in this issue, we have several excellent new writers. But, so as not to burn them (or us) out, it would be great if lots of you would jot down a little something for the Fall issue. The theme is "What I did on My Summer Vacation" so we all have something to say. It can be any length from a couple of paragraphs, like a letter, to a longer article up to a 1000 words. The deadline for Fall articles is September 1, so please start jotting down the anecdotes as they happen. If you have artistic talent please consider contributing illustrations for the Fall issue. The drawings need to be done in black pen/ink and should have an autumn theme (leaves, pumpkins, Thanksgiving, back to school, etc.). We're counting on your help. We know you won't let us down.
Have a warm, breezy summer! I'm off to pick out tiles for the new floor. Cheers!
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See also MAW's When Women Count Project
By now most of you have heard at least some rumblings about the policy paper on unpaid work that we are producing. Some MAW members have expressed an interest in contributing to the discussion of issues, and offered feedback. The Policy Paper is the last commitment of the Step by Step project on women's unpaid work.
Further to the discussion paper which was sent to MAW members some time ago, and the questionnaire requesting your input, we offer this progress report and invite your continuing feedback. What follows is a sampling of policy on unpaid work. We have a recommendation a minute, as the vaudevillians might say. These are examples only, a place from which to launch - a little something to whet your intellectual appetite. If you'd like to make comments, here's how to contact us. We will do our best to get back to you, and incorporate your thoughts.
Our work thus far has been a research and conceptualization process; how, exactly, to organize the many political issues of unpaid work; in what policy areas will we make recommendations; how much historical perspective to include.
A large part of our efforts to locate information has been through the Internet. Hours of on-line searches have brought us into contact with materials and researchers in feminist ecological economics; women and international development; and a variety of sites offering information on women's equality, pensions and tax issues, family leave and other workplace policies regarding women - just as examples.
We have supplemented on-line research with standard library searches, which have proved very fruitful. The Internet has also allowed email consultation with other researchers in the field, some of whom were happy to forward articles and ideas. We will continue this research through the next stage of the process, complementing it with personal interviews with these "experts," who include academics, tax experts, and other policy makers.
As we have been plowing through our mountain of research, we have grappled with what kinds of policy recommendations to make, and have been asked by the MAW steering committee to give examples. This technique of running recommendations up the flagpole to see how they fly has each time resulted in stimulating and useful feedback, helping us to sharpen the ideas that best represent MAW.
In addition to the two of us, there has been priceless input from all members of the Steering and Research & Lobby committees, researcher Susi Gruda, and many of our members.
Most recently, the federal election caused us to rally around some policy issues, especially those of taxation and child care, as we put out some press material, and generated some media interest in MAW's positions.
Even at its publication, our policy document will likely be a work in progress, as we continue to develop our approach. Arriving at a satisfactory organizational structure for the presentation of policies on unpaid work is as much work as developing the policies!
Our outline takes into account:
The Policy Paper will start with a list of guiding principles, which integrates such ideals as:
What follows are some of the issues we have been exploring, and on which we will make recommendations. The general goals and policy samples given here are intended to encourage discussion. They are samples only, lifted from a spectrum of ideas.
MAW will recommend policies that encourage the financial independence of mothers, with special attention to strengthening the economic security of mothers at home. To that end, the policy paper will propose changes to the taxation and pension systems, which might take such forms as:
The thrust behind these recommendations is MAW's belief in the need for social recognition of the overlapping responsibilities of women, in particular mothers, and create a structure that merges, rather than separates, paid and unpaid work, through:
MAW will recommend policies and practices that make the undertaking of family care less exacting, in combination with paid work, with such proposals as:
We believe MAW's Policy Paper on Women's Unpaid Work will, along with our ongoing work - including the current "When Women Count" project - help to position MAW in a national and international arena. Even now, we are among a handful of organizations ready to articulate policy on unpaid work. In this work, we align ourselves with economists, sociologists, and feminists around the world in a show of concern for social justice. Within that context, we will seek to:
This is the section that includes policies on measuring and valuing unpaid work and the development of new economic indicators, i.e., those that include household work and measures of environmental health. This section may also include recommendations to encourage the development of local, community-based economies accessible to, and supportive of, women. We will recommend that government:
This section will include policies on education. For example, we would like to recommend:
Recognizing that cultural change can not be legislated, we plan, instead, to make:
Further, the politics of unpaid work hinge on discrepancies in the definition of family. MAW will recommend:
This section will address issues of reproduction as work, and women's control over New Reproductive Technologies, based on research and recommendations already undertaken by MAW's committee on NRTs (Maureen Langsford and others).
Policies recognizing unwaged work must support women in their roles as both paid and unpaid workers and encourage more equal sharing of the responsibilities and rewards for paid and unpaid labour within families.
MAW is holding a Focus Group to help further develop MAW's Policy Paper on Women's Unpaid Work. If you are interested in being part of this focus group please contact us in one of the following ways: call 613) 722-7851 (the MAW line), or write to MAW, P.O. Box 4104, Stn. E, Ottawa, Ontario, K1S 5B1 or email: info@mothersarewomen.com
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According to Webster's Dictionary, a stirrup is defined as a loop extending from a horse's saddle used to support the rider's foot. Now, I don't know where Mr. Webster gets his information, but I am willing to bet that there is not a woman in the developed world that doesn't feel icy shivers down her spine at the mere mention of a stirrup. Believe me, this had nothing to do with horses!
The word stirrup brings with it a very emotional reaction in the female population. It can be anything from slight tensing of muscles to hysterical terror. The reaction, of course, depends greatly on the gender and competency of the individual gynecologist involved. Yes, it is true that a stirrup is a loop of sorts that supports a rider's foot. In this case, unfortunately, the rider is naked, in a prone position and the scenery is extremely sterile!
Once I had a male physician who somehow thought that putting cartoons on the ceiling above the examination table would reduce the humiliation factor. I really did appreciate his efforts and creativity but I was still very disconcerted. How was I supposed to react? If I laughed at the cartoon would the doctor assume that I was enjoying the procedure? If I didn't laugh would he become hostile and think that I didn't appreciate his sense of humor? Not only that, but the paper that it was printed on was curled and turning yellow. How long had that same joke been there? How many other women had stared at the same ceiling and counted the number of holes in the tile around the aging cartoon? I am not at all sure that a gynecological examination is the proper time for joking. I love a good belly laugh as much as anyone else, however, when most of my belly is being exposed to a strange man who is hiding his face under a sheet, I must admit that I am not totally at ease.
Quite a few years ago, while under going my yearly Pap, I was lying in the usual un-natural position when the doctor and nurse came into the room. They chit chatted with me. You know, the usual, "let's put the patient at ease," small talk. How have you been? How is the family? Do you want me to warm some booties for you? The inane conversation droned on as Nurse Sally handed the routine foreign objects to the doctor for insertion. Doctor Matthews casually inserted them and then suddenly, without warning, from behind the sheet the doctor said, "Sally, doesn't she remind you a lot of my sister, Dorothy?" "Oh my gosh, Doctor," Sally responded, "she's the spitting image." My jaw agape, I was astounded. What exactly were they looking at? I know that I could not see their faces. Could they see mine? My thoughts began to whirl. Was it that ugly brown wart sticking out on my left buttock? Was it the nervous twitch that was making my right leg shake? Oh please, please God, I prayed silently as small beads of perspiration began to roll off my forehead. Please let it be my face that bears the resemblance!
Gynecologists, get smart! Move into the nineties, the same way that the new breed of dentists have. Since many people are still afraid of their dentists modern technology has provided resources that can greatly reduce those fears. The use of headphones, videos, TV, computer generated images and yes, DRUGS, if necessary! If I can be distracted from the pain of drilling then there has to be a way of temporarily transporting my mind to an imaginary fantasy land where I can hang on to my dignity and keep my feet on the ground. Oh, and please hurry, before it is time for me to get back into the saddle again.
Barbara Gene was born in the state of Texas but was immediately rushed to Southern California in order to prevent her from developing a southern drawl. Raised and educated in California by perfectly normal parents she felt the need to rebel and get some excitement into her boring existence. To fuel her need for thrills she managed to have an acting career (mainly soap commercials), marry a TV star, give birth to the world's most talented baby, divorce the TV star and find out that all of her thoughts and opinions were worth while and precious. Today she is helping to develop a new educational children's television series, titled Nonesuch Place", with Red Moon Productions in Dallas, Texas. In other words, she has come full circle back to her roots and is content with her journey and who she has become.
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In June 1996 I gave birth to my third bouncing baby boy (I will never forget the cruelty of that summer cover of Homebase filled with bikinis!) and in August my dear friend welcomed her fourth beautiful son to the world. (YES, we mother seven boys!!)
When I first heard about the Radical Reading Society I loved the idea and mentioned it to my same dear (and now very tired) friend that some year we must find the time (?!) to try it. I was informed that we needed Radical Reading. Not now, but RIGHT NOW; when was the first meeting and who would drive?
So, brand new babes bundled in their Snugli's, we found mother tongue books in Sept'96, and as we walked through the door of that magical place filled with books and women, we knew NOW was right. We both treasure the Radical Reading Society meetings each month. (Our husbands have learned that nothing pre-empts "Book Club" on the calendar!)
The Bean Trees by Barbara Kingsolver was our first book, and discussion ensued around mothering and abandonment issues. General consensus was favorable, and if you are looking for good summer reading, give it a go. By the way, Pigs in Heaven is the great sequel to The Bean Trees.
Many of you have read Margaret Atwood and we chose an "oldie", Cat's Eye, as well as her latest, Alias Grace (a must read, if you haven't already). These novels captured our minds and hearts as we suffered the painful adolescent trials of heroines Elaine and Grace. Atwood excels as personifying the Canadian female experience, and both books are highly recommended.
Jane Smiley's Thousand Acres stimulated a careful yet poignant discussion of incest and family secrets…our group of radical readers are sensitive to the fact that we each come to this place with our own history and circumstance, and that some stories strike close to the heart.
The recurring theme of relationships was visited again in Song of Solomon (Toni Morrison)…a moving account of life in the south for the women of a black family.
Swann by Carol Shields was our final novel of the year; a year richly rewarding both intellectually and emotionally. It feels so good to lose oneself in a novel, to read something other than Barbara Coloroso or Penelope Leach, something ADULT; and then share that story with a group of fascinating new women friends in the most peaceful venue imaginable.
Our two tiny newborn "book worms" have grown into big and busy almost-one-year-olds whom we now cheerfully leave at home with the rest of their noisy and testosterone-laden bigger brothers on meeting nights. And two new babies have been joyfully welcomed into our midst in recent months (Congratulations to Nicole and JoAnn and their families). If you ever want for birthday, baby, or Christmas gifts, mother tongue books is open for browsing on Reading nights, and has a fantastic selection on all women's topics from A to Z.
We extend a warm and heartfelt THANK YOU to Evelyn, Julie, and Laura, the owners of mother tongue books for their generous hospitality and moral support, and also BIG THANKS to Evelyn Drescher, the MAW member with the energy and vision to establish the Radical Reading Society.
Have I convinced you? You need us…and we need you…The Radical Reading Society is actively seeking new members for the fall of 1997. Our fall line-up (so you have ample time to read) looks like this:
All meetings are held at 7:30 pm at mother tongue books, 1067
Bank Street, Ottawa. New members are warmly welcomed. For more
information on the Radical Reading Society, e-mail us at: info@mothersarewomen.com or
for more ways to reach us:
Peggy Proctor enjoys life with her three sons (Lynden, Nolan, and Mitchell) and treasures the warm friendship and good humour of her friend Anne (mother of Peter, Sam, Erik and Thomas). Peggy and Anne struggle to find time for reading anything but Dr. Suess.
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The other day, in deciding which of us should go first in the game we had chosen, my four year old rhymed off:
For a split second I was brought back to my own childhood. The image was fleeting but powerful. A group of us neighborhood kids sitting in a circle on a grassy boulevard on suburban, lower middle-class street sun shining overhead. Someone was fidgeting while holding a bright blue ball, someone else was nervously tapping her shoe. We were ready to play. Someone was rhyming:
As kids we gave no thought to the rhyme. It was one of many we
knew for counting people out before the start of a game. Were
we really not cognizant of the one black face in the circle? "Billy"
was a rich dark brown colour and lived in the rose-red coloured
house with the weeping willow in front. There was a sense among
us kids, I think that he was exotic. But I believe that this was
more for the fact that he had no father (also a anomaly in our
neighborhood in the early sixties) than because the colour of
his skin. And yet that irrefutable fact was there ñ he
was black and stood out among the red, brown, blond, black-tousled
hair that topped the heads of the rest of us fair-skinned children.
Although that day we might have played dodgeball or ball tag,
another favourite game in the neighborhood repertoire was N*g**rbabies.
I am sure that children play it still under another name. A ball
is thrown high into the air from the middle of a circle of kids.
Someone's name is called. This person, who is "it" counts
to ten as the ball falls. At ten she retrieves the ball and yells,
freeze. She may take three steps (five if she is younger) and
then has to throw the ball at all the other players one at a time.
If "tagged" in this manner, one gets a point (a N*g**rbaby);
if the person "it" misses, she gets a point for each
child he misses. She also throws the ball in the air for the next
round, calling the name of another child. The first to reach 10
or 15 or 20 (whatever is agreed upon) points, goes through a gauntlet
of belly slaps or other appropriate "torture." Who taught
us that game and why it was called by that name is a mystery.
It was simply a part of our culture as children.
I wish I could ask if Billy was as blithely oblivious to the rhyme or game as the rest of us were. Did he understand the import of those words? Were they indeed harmless games to him, or just another example of the reality with he and his family had to live with daily in our society? For some time, Billy and his family were the only "different" family in the neighborhood. I can't remember when the Chinese family moved in next door to me but by that time Billy and his family had moved away, although I can't say to where.
Some
questions remain. How do we start to understand our racism? More
importantly, how will we teach our children?
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I wanted to contribute an article to Homebase and have been wondering what to write. There are so many topics that I want to address but finding a place to start seems to be the hardest job of all. Then it just hit me. Why not just start with myself and work my way out toward the issues that I wrestle with daily. This is easier said than done for I have been trained in the field of psychology. That means that I have been taught to write in an objective and clinical manner and often in the third person. I giggle at the thought and have rebelled when ever possible but alas my training has been quite thorough and does cause me to stutter at times. So please bear with me.
I have many roles as most women do. I am the mother of a forever-asking-questions four-year-old, a wife, daughter, therapist and near-completion-of-a-Ph.D student. All of these roles vie for my attention, each one blind to the demands of the others. As a result, I seem to spend huge amounts of energy trying to juggle my time as if there is some formula that I simple have yet to discover. I have convinced myself that if I give each role a certain amount of attention then I will have some peace and maybe even some space left over to paint, weave, read or consider having another baby. But this peace and space seems so allusive.
Regardless, I am dedicated to the great juggle. All the time wishing that I didn't feel so much like a pioneer woman on the frontier hacking away at the trees to clear some land so I can build my cabin. Ironically, a cabin in the woods is what I crave. Some place where time stands still and the phone never rings jolting me back into the reality of my responsibilities.
Once upon a time the only responsibilities that I had were to myself. Ah that seems light-years away. I didn't know it at the time but I had a great life. I prolonged my adolescence. I left home when I was 18 and moved to the big bad city of Toronto. I spent most of my 13 years there going to school. Going to university became a lifestyle for me. All of my friends were on the same track and the enormous amounts of time we spent reading and writing and on ourselves was normal. Sure I had responsibilities. I had to earn enough money to pay my expenses, to jump through each subsequent academic hoop, to read quantities of literature that seemed at times like cruel and unusual punishment, to perform at a level that would enable me to continue in that world, and to conquer the fear of failure.
But I must say that doing a Ph.D. is nothing compared to being a mother! My Ph.D. never required me to get up in the middle of the night because there were monsters in the room. It never required me to answer 50,000 questions all at once. It never required me to get it in and out of a car seat whenever I want to go somewhere. It doesn't make me fight about going to bed or brushing tangled hair. A Ph.D. is really passive, it just lays there waiting patiently for me to return to it.
Ah, ignorance is bliss and I lost bliss when I gave birth to my much wanted and coveted baby girl in 1993. Demanding as she is I'm sure I wouldn't have her any other way because life is tough and if she doesn't learn to ask for what she wants now, how will she fair later when society teaches her that my voice is not valuable?
To fight this battle that has already begun, where my work as a mother is trivialized, I too have to be tougher and smarter than I have ever been before. This means that I cannot burn out. I have to remain steadfast in my belief that balance is possible, and that I can be a good mother, have interesting and fulfilling work and above all good mental health. But my struggle is a lonely one. So few seem to understand what I am trying to do, which is to be a well rounded person/woman. Alas, I live in a place and time where priorities are backwards, where money rules and families fall apart, where everyone runs instead of walks. I simply don't want that. What I want is the freedom and support to reach my full potency and to enjoy my many roles and responsibilities and to be everything that I want to be for my daughter and for me! Devoted to getting the formula right,
Kaye-Lee Pantony is the mother of four-year-old Sage, and a wife, daughter and therapist. Kaye-Lee works part-time in private practice in the Ottawa region and specializes is issues related to being mothers and also being daughters. She is near completion of her Ph.D. in psychology from O.I.S.E. at the University of Toronto. She recently relocated to the Ottawa area to be closer to the rest of her family.
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Homebase Magazine depends on you, the reader, to send us your
articles, poems, illustrations and commentaries. In "Up for
Discussion", we will highlight the items that we NEED you
to write about. Of course, you are always welcome to send us comments
on anything that is important in your life, but the following
topics are on our hot list at the moment:
What I Did on My Summer Vacation
Questions of Racism
(read the Politically Speaking article
in this issue)
Report and Outreach for MAW's Policy Paper on Women's Unpaid Work
Mothers Are Women is a volunteer organization, and as such we are always seeking out new ways to involve people in the organization. If any of the following items are of interest to you, please contact us - you'll find out how "un"-alone you are and you definitely won't be sorry.
Wanted * MAW Workshop Coordinator * Wanted
Wanted * MAW Workshop Team * Wanted
I need to know more about Mothers Are Women,
the organization which publishes Homebase.
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Since its beginning, one of the most important
things MAW offered was its workshops. We could come and listen
to speakers who talked to us as both mothers and women. And as
both mothers and women we shared our experiences and stories.
It was our night out. Some of these workshops attracted eight
women, others brought sixty together. We listened and talked about
issues related to being at home with children, career counselling,
personal relationships, child care... a whole range of subjects.
When we left, most of all we felt that we were not so isolated,
that others understood us as our partners and other friends sometimes
did not, and that we shared a commonality in our experiences despite
our diversity.
The folding of the workshop committee last
year was a sad day for MAW. We know many members miss these regular
events. We have also listened to new members and other interested
women who approach us at conferences and ask... "When is
the next event?"... "When and where do you meet?"...
"Do you hold Workshops?"
The simple reality is that the Steering Committee is spread to thinly doing the rest of the MAW work to organize these much needed workshops. But we know that somewhere out there in our membership are women with the energy and spirit who could breathe new life into this part of MAW's grassroots support for women. WE NEED YOU! Therefore the Steering Committee is putting out a call for a Workshop Coordinator and a Workshop Team.
Back to Opportunities
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MAW is looking for a MAW member who would be willing to coordinate three or four workshops during the period from September 1997 to June 1998 for variously 15 to 50 women in the Ottawa-Carleton area. Responsibilities include thinking of workshop topics appropriate to our membership, contacting and confirming speakers, finding and booking a forum and organizing the logistics of such an event. This would also include attending some Steering Committee meetings. Although you would be coordinating these workshops, you would do so with the full moral and practical support of the Steering Committee. No previous experience is necessary. What is necessary is enthusiasm, commitment and willingness to work within a dynamic group process.
Back to Opportunities
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To support the Workshop Coordinator, MAW is also looking for a team. If you have only a little time to give but are interested in meeting like-minded women, enjoy exploring new issues and ideas and sharing them with others, this would be ideal for you.
Back to Opportunities
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Submissions and requests for subscriptions or back issues can be sent to:
E-mail: info@mothersarewomen.com
Mail: MAW/Homebase, P.O. Box 4104, Station E, Ottawa, ON K1S 5B1 Canada
Phone the MAW-line: 613-722-7851
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